Moving Toward Forgiveness

“Without forgiveness, life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.”
–Roberto Assagioli

“Holding onto anger is like holding onto a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else;
You are the one who gets burned.”


I suffered a loss about ten months ago. It was the dissolution of a very long friendship. A friendship that had shaped me and impacted my life in more ways than I can even describe. In fact, it was more than a friendship, it was a sisterhood. This woman was deeply and intimately involved in my life for several years. I shared absolutely everything with her. Everything.

And then one day it was over. We had been drifting apart for a few months prior to that day and we both knew it.
We had grown together for years and supported each other through countless trials and successes. We had been as close as two people could possibly be. Truth be told, we were probably closer to one another than we were to our own two husbands. In fact, all things considered, I am sure we were.

Winter was coming to an end and the renewal of Springtime was quietly approaching. I couldn’t put my finger on it at the time, but I could feel a huge shift coming on, and my belief is that she felt it too. And as the days passed by, we were slowly drifting further and further apart. We grew angry and resentful of each other. We no longer shared the same truths, and because we had shared them for so long, it felt like downright betrayal to no longer support each other’s understandings.

Not that either one of us was right or wrong, we were just moving toward newness, and for the first time, it was not the same newness. It was as if we were no longer traveling the life-train together. We were stuck at the same station, clinging to each other, and holding our own selves back from getting on the next train. The fact is that the next train was going to be a solo journey for both of us. We knew it, we could feel it deep down in our bones. But we were truly best friends…we didn’t want to let go so we kept on like this for a good month or two.

The final “day of destruction” was a Sunday. It started at about 8:30 in the morning and continued on well into the night. I am not calling it the “day of destruction” for no reason, by the way. We ripped each other apart that day. We threw away everything either of us had ever learned about compassion and understanding and acceptance. We tossed every thought of respect, kindness, and friendship right out the freaking window. We were mean to each other…hateful, even. We were wrong…what I said, what she said. It was wrong. We acted like third graders with advanced vocabulary. And we hurt one another, very badly.

I know we both tried to force our own realities into the truth of this situation, but like I said, neither of us were right. We were both assholes. We were both wrong. Not that either of the paths we were traveling were wrong, because we are all on equally valid paths. But sometimes we view the flow of life and natural changes of ‘what-is’ as personal attacks against us when they are really no such thing. That being said, the way she and I reacted to the realization of those changes is what was wrong. We both should have made different choices. That day, and for many days after.

Now, its vital to understand that I am writing this ten months later. It took me eight months to even begin the process of forgiveness. I am not going to write about what specifically needed to be forgiven because its unnecessary. Just know that there was a great deal of forgiveness needed by the time this was all over, and these are the two practices I’ve adopted to move in that direction:

1. Letting Go Ceremony

  1. You need a pen, sheet of paper, and a (controlled!) fire. And then you start writing it all down. Every last thing about it that is making you crazy. Write down the words, the hurt, the feelings, the situation, and everything that happened that brought you to this need to finally forgive. Don’t be shy, in fact, be brutal. Just let the emotion flow out of you on to this sheet of paper. No need to construct it nicely or spell correctly or even think of grammar. This is the time to let your brain just dump it all out. Every negative, lost, angry, hurtful, or destructive idea, thought, or memory. ALL OF IT. Allow your mind to just barf it up like too much tequila. Get it out of you and on to that paper.
  2. Then you pray about this act of forgiveness, asking for God’s hand in the matter. You make it clear that you’re ready to let go, to move on, to heal, to forgive, and to release the pain. You put it out there, you give it to God, that you seek to be free from this past situation and that you wish to send love and forgiveness to the person or people associated with it.
  3. Then you actually visualize LIGHT and LOVE radiating from your heart-center (the middle of chest) outward, to the person, people, or circumstances that this whole thing is about. Its hard, yes. I am not saying its easy by any means, this is the hardest part of the ceremony. But you have to try. Send love and light, even if its really difficult to do.
  4. Lastly, speak a few words of gratitude just for the fact that you have the ability to forgive. Then burn the paper. Tear it up and burn it or simply place it in the fire and watch it go. Just so long as that paper becomes nothing but ashes. Burn it up, burn away all that icky stuff from the past. Give thanks once again and clean up your mess.

2. Forgiving Everyday Thereafter

  1. You have to keep working in order to nurture the process of forgiveness. It doesn’t happen in one sitting. It takes time to heal and let go. So you continue with this other short exercise every day to support your healing.
  2. Visualize the person/people that you are forgiving. Picture them as if they are clearly standing right in front of you. Then you speak the following sentence three times, clearly, and with true intention and conviction:  “I forgive you, [name], for everything that you’ve done to hurt me, and I wish you well.”
  3. And you do this, again and again, every single day until you have truly freed yourself from it. You’ll know you are free when its not difficult anymore. When you can visualize the person without getting knots in your stomach. When you can say the sentence with perfect ease requiring no force at all. This is when you know that you’ve forgiven. The love flows freely from you. You’ve accepted your responsibility in the situation, and you’ve allowed the other person(s) to escape from the prison your own mind had trapped them in.

You don’t have to, of course. You can be mad forever and ever and ever if you really want to. I, personally, could not continue that way anymore. I was sick to my stomach with sadness, loss, anger, and guilt. Moving toward forgiveness has liberated me, most certainly. I don’t know if my old friend can feel the forgiveness and love that I try to put out there, and I have no idea whether she’s taken any steps toward doing the same. But I hope so, on both accounts. I hope she receives the love I send, and I hope she has been relieved of the burdens she suffered as well.

But who knows…all I know about forgiveness is that its possible, and while its not easy, ITS WORTH IT.


© Danielle Hewitt (of Loving A Fit Life) and (including 2011 – 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Danielle Hewitt and with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


7 thoughts on “Moving Toward Forgiveness

  1. Well…it took a little digging but I just found your email. 🙂
    I received a notifcation a little while ago that you had posted this comment and it listed the email address associated with the comment. I searched my gmail for that address and found the message in my spam folder dated May 28th. I moved it to my inbox and added you as a contact so they won’t be routed there again. I’ll write you back later today. Hope you are having a very happy Wednesday!

  2. So beautifully written. I was meant to find this and I thank you for writing it. The hardest part for me is, How to fully forgive
    When you see these people that hurt you everyday? It feels like a slap in the face every single day. Every time I try to train my brain and move on that sickening resentment sets in. any ideas on trying to overcome this. I’m most definitely going to try your steps first, I worry that it will be more of challenge since I have to see these people every day. Thank You again for your post. 🙂

    • Thank you for visiting and commenting…glad you liked the post. 🙂

      I am sorry that you are in a position where you have to encounter the people ever day. Do you work with them or something like that? I couldn’t possibly assume the layout of the environment that you share with them, but is there any possible way that you can put some distance between your physical space the theirs?

      I know what you mean about that sickening feeling coming up every time you see them, and I understand how uncomfortable it can be. Not only do you not want to be around these people, but its almost impossible to consciously stop that feeling once it shows up.
      One thing you can do, if you aren’t already, is adopt a meditation practice. Usually just like ten minutes a day can make a massive difference in your life. And it only takes a few consistent days of this to start experiencing more mindfulness and less negative-impacting factors.

      You have to be the one to choose not to allow them to burden you anymore, but getting to that point where you’re able to truly let them go, that is the hard part. Sometimes it helps to get a little notebook (like 4″x6″) that you can stash in your purse. Write freely and unabashedly about your feelings in this notebook every time they come up. It doesn’t matter what you write because its only for you and your benefit. You don’t ever have to share this with anyone, its part of *your* healing process. Say what you feel, even if you know its not good/right/holy/compassionate/whatever. Sometimes you just have to honor your emotions, even when they seem irrational. If you can put things on paper and get it out of your head and out of your heart, you’ll have that much more free space in those areas to cultivate positivity and love in their place.

      I think if you incorporate this type journal exercise and work on a daily meditation practice, you may find some great benefit from it. And again, you can see what attempts can be made to change the physical arrangements that put you in close proximity with these people. This is a toxic situation for you because its impacting your quality of life, and that is just never okay. You may have to ask for a transfer or make less-than-easy changes to get your freedom back, but its absolutely worth it to do so.

      Always remember that you are in absolute control of your feelings and emotions. Sometimes we have to do some work in order to truly take the reigns on these things, but it can certainly be done.

      I wish you truly ALL the best in your healing process and I hope you are released from the hurt you feel much sooner than later.

      Take care, and know that if you ever just need to vent, reflect, get some feedback, or just let some steam off – you can hit me up. I’m always here to help. 🙂

      • Thank you so much in responding. I sent you a response through your personal email that you listed below. I’ve been having problems in sending emails out and just wanted to see if you got it. It claimed it didn’t send out. Anyway, Have a great day!! 🙂

  3. Beautiful sentiment and beautiful post. Very courageous! One thing I write about forgiveness in my book is to ask yourself 2 questions: 1. What do I benefit from not forgiving this person? 2. What would I gain if I forgave that person?
    Powerful and revealing questions. Much love. Stu 🙂

    • Well thank you so very much! I appreciate your comment and that you took the time to read my blog here. 🙂 I will have to check-out your blog as well, and find out more about this book you mentioned…

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