YOU GUYS!!!!! Next week is Thanksgiving!
So excited. I love Thanksgiving.
My thoughts on this week:
- Its been awhile since the last “what’s good” post and I always liked doing them so I want to get back in the habit of that.
- After using it for a week, I have come up with some additions and alternatives for my handy dandy daily planner printable. I will revise and share a freshened-up version sometime next week.
- Really good iced black coffee. I absolutely cannot get enough. It doesn’t even matter that the weather is (finally!) cooling down…I still crave this chilly deliciousness every single day. There’s a good chance I’ll be going to get one within the hour.
- My goals for this year have been weighing heavy on me as the final month of 2014 approaches. While I feel overall pretty good about my progress and accomplishments, I am not totally satisfied. I think I gave way too much of my life to social media. Which is another thing that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I’ll expand on all this when I post my review of Wild here in the next few days…
- Lastly, I have been super inspired and rich with ideas lately…my creative side is loving it!
But more on all that later.
For now, how about the good stuff I came across this week?
(Sorry if questionably inappropriate but absolutely hilarious things offend you….that must really suck.)
As children, we learned what it took to get concrete expressions of love — praise, extra affection and so on. In many cases that meant doing something “good.” We crawled and got attention, we smiled and got a kiss, we walked and talked and won the spelling bee and the love came pouring. Subconsciously, we learned that love came from doing and that’s why we are so darn good at doing things.
The entire time we’re doing all the things that comprise “real life,” we’re seeking to be loved on some level. With the innocence of the little child that lives in us all, we ask again and again through our actions, “Now do I deserve love?” “Am I worthy?” Only we often can’t hear it because we’re so busy doing the next “great thing” and calling it self-improvement.
And when they say “better”, they mean “most of these blow the U.S. out of the water”.
You Can’t Always Get What You Want – But You Better Try
Telling other people what you want is key to feeling alive in a relationship and keeping things vibrant for both people. If only one person is getting his or her desires met, the relationship suffers. Unfortunately, many people do not get what they want in a relationship. But, they could if they knew how to communicate their desires.
For example, Peter began dating Marla. At first, he was in absolute heaven. She was so “easy to get along with,” he said. About five months later, though, something happened. “I broke up with Marla,” he said. “It just wasn’t working out.”
”What happened?” I (Dr. Cloud) asked.
“In the beginning, she was like a breath of fresh air,” Peter replied. But as time went on, I noticed a couple of things. First, I could never figure out what she wanted. I would ask her what she wanted to do, or where she wanted to go, or how she felt about something, and she would always defer to me. Even though that felt good in the beginning, over time, I got bored with Marla’s flexibility. There was something missing. I don’t know exactly what it was.
Second, she wouldn’t really pout, but she would be sad, or quiet, or something. I would feel like I had done something wrong, but I didn’t know what it was. So I would ask. At first, she would say, ‘Nothing,’ but I knew that was bull. So I would have to pull it out of her, and then I would find out that she had wanted me to do something I hadn’t done, or that she was bugged about something she hadn’t told me about. I felt like I was letting her down, but I couldn’t read her mind. I was frustrated not knowing when things were okay and when they weren’t. I think I need someone more up front with what they are thinking and what they want.”
Many people think of “boundaries” only as setting limits, saying no, or trying to stop something destructive from happening. But having good boundaries is more than stopping bad things from happening to you. It is also taking responsibility for the good things you want to happen.
When you take responsibility for your desires and communicate them well, a relationship has much more chemistry, connection, and mutual fulfillment. You know about and negotiate any issues; there is give and take. And no one is walking around resentful and depressed.
Think about Peter and Marla for a moment. She had desires she wanted fulfilled in her relationship with Peter. But she thought Peter was responsible for knowing what her desires were and for taking the first step toward fulfilling them. She shifted the responsibility for what she wanted from her to him; she thought her “wants” were his problem, not hers. When he did not solve her problem, when she felt sad or resentful, she saw it as Peter’s responsibility to figure out what she was feeling and do something about it. Ultimately, this proved too much for him to do.
To have a relationship that works well, we should communicate our wants not outwardly, but inwardly. We should have a “responsibility” talk with ourselves before we have a “talk” with another person. Here are some of the things we will need to do:
• Own our “want”—be honest about what we want and be aware that our desire is our responsibility.
• Own the feelings that occur when our desire is not getting met—if we are sad, we needs to tell other people, not wait for them to figure it out.
• Choose to communicate and move toward other people to let our wants be known.
• Communicate desire, not demand.
We always have to look at ourselves first to make sure we are doing our part correctly. This is particularly true with wants and desires; others do not magically know what we want, and they need to be told in ways they can accept. So the first conversation has to take place inside.
Freedom is essential to a good relationship. If we’re not free, we can’t love. If people feel as though they can’t say “no” to us and if they do things for us out of compulsion, guilt, or feelings of obligation, they will resent doing those things. If we ask for things we want in ways that make someone feel as though “no” is not okay with us, the relationship turns into a control battle. Freedom and love suffer, and even fulfilled desires can’t fully satisfy because they are not given in love.
Wishing you a very, very HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
I hope you have an awesome weekend, loves!
© Danielle Hewitt (of Loving A Fit Life) and DanielleHewitt.com (including LovingAFitLife.com) 2011 – 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Danielle Hewitt and DanielleHewitt.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.