There is so much on my mind that I am not really sure where to begin with this update. I just feel like I need to document this season of life, and think through where I am at and where I am going and all the shifting that has happened to bring me here.
I guess the biggest news is that we bought a house. That’s definitely awesome. Stressful AF, but awesome.
The surprising part of that news is that we bought this house in Hemet…which is quite a leap from the mountain home we intended to buy last summer when we moved here.
It was almost exactly a year ago that we re-located about 300 miles north to live by Yosemite, mainly because of me. Yosemite is my favorite place in the world and I wanted to be as close to it as possible so I could visit way more often. Much to my surprise and irritation, however, it turns out that I spent tons more time there when I lived 5 hours away than I do now being only 20 short minutes.
Another unexpected reality I encountered is that I really dislike rural living. And winter…oh my gosh, I hate winter like I never imagined. Between the septic system, the wood burning stove, actual freezing temperatures, and surprise water service interruptions – I just had enough. I realize that no matter how much I love the mountains, and camping, and being in the forest…I do not at all want to live permanently in a mountain community. And I never again want to be so cold that my rib bones actually ache, especially when the respite for this cold comes in the form of essentially a friggin campfire in your living room. SO. MUCH. SMOKE.
But anyway…for all of those reasons, and because we miss our family and friends so much, and for the sake of raising our soon-to-arrive newborn near her loved ones – we are moving back to Southern California, close to everyone and everything we know and love.
We’ll begin moving into our new home on Saturday, September 9th. Then we’ll return to Oakhurst for one week to tie up loose ends before locking up our little gingerbread house and moving on to our next adventure.
I am looking forward to it for sure. I can certainly say it is a little bittersweet…there are parts of all this that I have loved dearly. The wildlife mainly – the trees, Bass Lake, fresh air, families of deer wandering around, flowery surprises that bloomed everywhere all through the Spring. Its beautiful at times.
But it has not been the absolute dream-come-true I was so sure it would be.
It has been a long and often lonely time. I haven’t been able to make any friends since moving here, and with my Love traveling for work so much, and the overall sense of isolation and disconnect I have felt…it has all made me withdraw in many ways; I have become so un-engaged it seems. I don’t even remember the last time I sat down to write…or when exactly I lost interest in so many of the things that brought meaning and passion to my life. There has been a weight of it all that I can’t carry so I’ve been fighting a losing battle with my anxiety for months now.
I realize that I need to put the pieces of my life back together that have come loose. But I also need to be incredibly gentle with myself in doing so, which is where I frequently fail. I have no problem bullying myself into fixing some issue or meeting some goal, but that approach won’t work right now.
I have these last months of pregnancy that I need to nurture (lovingly) and a personal recovery of sorts to go through. Yesterday my doctors suggested putting me on leave from work until some months after the baby is born, but that whole we-just-bought-a-house thing kinda requires my full income, so I can’t do that.
But I must do something…I have to do what I can. So I am spending the rest of this month thinking through what kind of action steps I should take and making a commitment to fully dedicate myself to those actions from September 1st onward. Part of the process is this very paragraph…this small, but critical step of making the promise out loud, of sharing the intention, creating a little accountability and letting the energies all around me know that I am ready for their blessings.
And I think that’s enough for today. There will be other days too, when one tiny step has to be enough….days that I will need to banish the self-criticism and the inner voice arguments. There will be days when vulnerability is all I can offer…when I’m just not able to put on a smile and battle through. So I promise to give myself grace during those times, and I promise to make the giving of grace to others my highest daily aim.
To say that I have a lot going on over the next couple months would be an fairly gross understatement, but none of it is avoidable so it is with grace and love that I go ahead with it all from here.